So, your dad and I
called you here because we need to discuss
something. There’s something
really wrong with you. The truth is that… I can’t, Marcia.
You say it. I just can’t. Okay. Listen, son, you’re… you’re extremely
good-looking. Okay. Thanks, Mom, but…
what’s the problem? You’re 15. At this age,
you’re either ugly or a dick. -And you’re obviously a dick.
-I’m not. Stop laughing with those douchey
perfect teeth of yours. And this hair of someone who calls
kids who don’t play soccer fags. Of someone who buys overpriced
High and Supreme T-shirts at Void. -Total douche!
-We’re not making this up. It’s scientifically proven.
There isn’t a single decent person who was good-looking at 15! Okay, so where
did you pull this from? Trump, Suzane von Richthofen.
Both were good-looking. Have you seen Stalin’s photos
at your age? He was a hunk. A stud! The Bolsonaros
were all hot in school. Santo Inácio School, 1986. -Show him this one.
-Look at this one. Cute, right? Sells poems
at Baixo Gávea now. This one with a bowl cut.
He’s a loan shark now. This surfer right here.
With the bleached hair. He’s the worst.
He now works at RedeTV! Now look
at these two baggers. One’s a judge
and the other has her own law firm. Where are you in this pic? I wasn’t even allowed in school
this day! But they had their reasons,
right? Can I say it, hon? -Yeah.
-Your dad had moobs. He’d wear bras, his face looked like
it was rubbed against roughcast. ‘Cause that’s exactly
what happened. I’d run to the library,
curl up in a ball and cry. I’d shit my pants
and they’d rub my face again. But I also read books!
And that gave me dignity! Don’t you get it? Acne,
which you don’t even have, builds character!
A lazy eye teaches you empathy! Scabies taught me ethics. I didn’t have scabies,
so I don’t know. -But you’re pretty.
-Don’t. You know
what people used to call me? -Clogs.
-Because you wore clogs? Because it looked like
someone tried to put out a fire
in my face with a clog. -Jesus…
-Don’t. People like you, who look
like they fuck the prom queen, who post shirtless pics
on TikTok, you’re the ones
who nickname us! Was it awful? Yeah.
Did I cry? Yeah. But it showed me
who my true friends were. It those people accepted my face
the way it was, they had to have
really liked me. You know why I have a PhD
and speak 4 languages? Because high school was hell!
Because I never slow danced! -To this day!
-Yeah! I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have
such a butt-ugly face! You think life
is just whoring around, drinking in secret
and playing volleyball? What does volleyball
have to do with it? -Do you play it?
-I love it. I’ve had enough, Marcia. Okay. Open the door! What, Mom? Your room is full of sand! It’s beach volleyball,
isn’t it? Beach volley. Carlos! Open up! He’s washing the sand away? I found whey protein
among his things. Bento! Please tell me you’re fapping
to some goth girl hentai! I don’t know
where I’ve gone wrong. He says “sprouts”. Like,
“sprout up at a party”, “sprout up at the thing”. -You were playing hacky-sack, right?